It's time for another serving of Smiles, courtesy of The Rattler, a community newspaper delivered to residents living throughout the southwest Ozark region of Missouri. I've been collecting my favorites since January, when I first introduced you to this newspaper. Enjoy!
I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I'd start at $2000 a month and then after six months I'd be at $2500 a month.
I told him I'd start in six months.
BY THE NUMBERS
We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I'll have the 24."
"Uh, Jim" I whispered, "That's the price, not the meal number."
"Oh," he said. "Then give me the 12."
LOVE YOU FROM AFAR
My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said,
"I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"
My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears: one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.
When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress.
"See Connor" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."
Connor's eyes went from one photo to the other and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"
NO LABOR REQUIRED
When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.
The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes equipped with all the newest features," he assured them.
The husband was not convinced. "Don't you have a riding one?" he asked.
When Fred Phillips, retired public-safety director and police chief of Johnson city, Tennessee was a regular police officer, he and his partner pulled over an unlicensed motorist. They asked the man to follow them to the police station, but while en route they spotted a North Carolina vehicle whose license plate and driver matched the description in an all-points bulletin.
The officers took off in a high-speed chase and finally stopped the wanted man's car. Minutes later, as the felon was being arrested, the unlicensed motorist drove up.
"If y'all will just tell me how to get to the station, I'll wait for you there," he said. "I'm having a heck of a time keeping up with you."
TALKING DOG (and my favorite)
A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The man is astonished. He goes back inside and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"What?? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Obviously not a "mutt", but this is a good photo of a black dog:-)
Happy Tuesday! Have any Smiles to add?
Welcome to my blog. I write contemporary and historical romance suspense novels and enjoy sharing aspects of everyday life . Tune in once a week for the latest and don't be shy about sharing your own insights.